If you read our birth story, you understand how moving and exciting the birth was for us. It was one of the most amazing times in my life. Life changing, invigorating, joyful. I thought I would never loose that feeling of bliss, a total high unlike I have ever felt. My midwife warned me about the days to come, the sadness that can creep in like a bandit, when the hormones start to take a dive. I brushed it off, and surely felt as if I would never come down off this cloud. It wouldn't happen this time, after all, the birth was everything I had dreamed, and MORE. I felt physically good, mentally stable and just plain ecstatic to have our second boy earth side after nine months of waiting.
Then it hit me. About three days post-partum, I was feeding Tommy, and I asked Joey to come give me a kiss. He said "no", and ran over to Gary. My heart felt as if it had been shattered into a million pieces. I don't know where it came from, but the tears just came flooding out. I sobbed and rightfully startled my 18 month old, which in turn pushed him quickly into daddy's arms. For three weeks, I cried every single day. The place I was, was dark. I felt lonely, like a failure to my 1st born, and a terrible wife to my husband. How could anyone love me, when all I did was cry? I was severely sleep deprived, hormonal and lost at how to navigate my new role as a mother of two. I was afraid to leave the house, but thought I should try it. Tommy was almost 3 weeks old and I thought I would take him and Joey to the grocery store to get some snacks and get out of the house. I remember a woman peeking in at Tommy and asking how old he was. When she heard that he was about three weeks, she gave me the oddest look and said "wow, that's so young to be out and about already". I went home feeling like I had been a neglectful and selfish mom. I didn't really NEED to get snacks at the store, I had an amazing husband for that. What was I doing "out and about" with my three week old anyway. I belonged at home. I cried some more and then I just felt angry. Angry with the woman from the store, angry with myself and angry that I could not get back to that happy, blissful spot I had found only a few short weeks back. These were the "baby blues" at their finest.
It wasn't too long, and I stopped crying everyday...I remember the day that I did not cry at all. Although, I was not by any means in a happy place, I was not so sad either. Maybe this was the light. I would make it through this sooner than later. Hope arose. My heart felt lifted. I could do this, and maybe I wasn't so bad at it after all. It took about 3 months until I finally started feeling a bit more like myself again, and now, five months later, I can say without a doubt that life is getting easier, we have all adjusted and are starting to get to that really good place again.
Prayer, coffee, exercise, sleep and time have given me back that light again. That light that shines so bright in my eyes, my children's eyes and my husbands. It's sometimes a hard thing for mommy's to talk about, those dark days after birth...sometimes we feel like we can't, we shouldn't, we should just smile and be grateful for all of our blessings and never reveal the feelings of darkness. I am grateful and VERY thankful, but I also have to give acknowledgment to the very true feelings of sadness that can accompany such a life changing event. A huge change in your hormones, your body and what sleep depervation can do to your mind is very real and should never be looked at as weakness, or selfishness.
Here's to the light again, and the many fun, happy memories to come.
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